HOW TO START A FIGHT
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 1.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
>>>>>> a Christmas gift…
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
>>>>>> When she asked me why, I replied,
>>>>>>
>>>>>> “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> And that’s how the fight started…..
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ______________________________
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 2.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I took my wife to a restaurant.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> “Nah, she can order for herself.”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> And that’s when the fight started…..
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ______________________________
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 3.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
>>>>>> reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
>>>>>> drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I asked her, “Do you know him?”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> “Yes”, she sighed,
>>>>>>
>>>>>> “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
>>>>>> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
>>>>>> hasn’t been sober since.”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
>>>>>> celebrating that long?”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> And then the fight started…
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ______________________________4
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting
>>>>>> to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
>>>>>> something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
>>>>>> making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
>>>>>> thought of a clever way to make her point.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
>>>>>> grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
>>>>>> scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
>>>>>> the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
>>>>>> I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the
>>>>>> grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ______________________________
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 5
>>>>>> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> She asked, “What’s on TV?”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I said, “Dust.”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> And then the fight started…
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ______________________________
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 6
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
>>>>>> lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
>>>>>> boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
>>>>>> downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
>>>>>> garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
>>>>>> would be bad all day.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
>>>>>> into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different
>>>>>> anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is
>>>>>> terrible.”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my
>>>>>> stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> And that’s how the fight started…
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ______________________________
>>>>>> 7
>>>>>>
>>>>>> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
>>>>>> anniversary.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
>>>>>> about 3 seconds.”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I bought her a bathroom scale.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> And then the fight started……
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ______________________________
>>>>>> 8
>>>>>>
>>>>>> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
>>>>>> for Social Security.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to
>>>>>> verify my age.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
>>>>>> home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
>>>>>> to go home and come back later.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
>>>>>> me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
>>>>>> the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped
>>>>>> your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’
>>>>>>
>>>>>> And then the fight started…
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ______________________________
>>>>>> 9
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
>>>>>>
>>>>>> “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
>>>>>> to pay me a compliment.’
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
>>>>>>
>>>>>> And then the fight started……..
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ______________________________
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 10
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
>>>>>>
>>>>>> He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
>>>>>>
>>>>>> So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
>>>>>>
>>>>>> That’s how the fight started
>>>>>>
>>>>>> ……………………..
>>>>>>
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