The other day I saw a man on a bridge, about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it, brother!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
“Yes, of course.”
I said, “Are you a Muslim or a non-Muslim?”
“Muslim.”
I said, “Me, too! Shia or Sunni?”
“Sunni.”
“Me, too! What mazhab?”
“Hanafi.”
“Me, too! Deobandi or Barelvi?”
“Barelvi.”
“Me too! Tanzeehi or Tafkeeri?”
“Tanzeehi.”
“Me, too! Tanzeehi Azmati or Tanzeehi Farhati?”
“Tanzeehi Farhati.”
“Me, too! Tanzeehi Farhati Jamia-ul-Uloom Ajmer, or Tanzeehi Farhati Jamia-ul-Noor Mewat?”
“Tanzeehi Farhati Jamia ul Noor Mewat.”
“Go to hell, kaafir!” I told him and pushed him off the bridge.

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I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days.’
I told him ‘I wish if I had yours will power.’

I took my Biology exam last Friday.I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently “Blacks” and “Romanian gipsies” were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’
I said ‘don’t worry dear, you’re bound to lose it eventually. ‘

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said ‘Any Change?’
I said ‘Nope, you’re still black’

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away..
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I’m going to take that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. “You’re in that basket up there.”