I heard a story recently about a friend’s former boss. When underlings would go into this person’s office to discuss something like a pay raise or promotion, the boss had a habit of greeting their request with silence. Quiet, tense seconds ticked slowly by, and the joke among the staffers was that they’d often leave having instead volunteered to take a pay cut or demotion — anything to end the excruciating silence.

Awkward silences can feel unbearable. This is a statement that does not exactly need to be backed up by scientific research, but there happens to be some: In 2010, a study led by Namkje Koudenburg of the University of Groningen found that silence in a conversation starts to feel unbearable after about four seconds. There’s so much uncertainty in the air as those silent seconds tick slowly by. Did I say something wrong? Does this person hate me? Am I going to get fired?!

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