Written for The Muslim Times by Dr. Abdul Alim

In a recent article in Huffington Post, my friend Qasim Rashid, the author of “the Extremist” has given a very bold and succinct view of what causes domestic violence. He holds men responsible and is entirely correct when he proposes that men should become more civilized in order to address it. I would like to build further on his article and broaden the explanation of why men have become more uncivilized giving rise to a global epidemic of domestic violence and to then venture into some possible solutions.

The second head of Ahmadiyya Movement in Islam, Mirza Bashiruddin Mahmood Ahmad, was a scholar of a very high order and left a formidable collection of essays, books and speeches that shed light on a wide variety of subjects, one of which is relationship between men and women. In one of his sermons given at the occasion of a marriage ceremony he gave an eloquent analogy of what a marital relationship is like. He likened the union of male and female as letting off a steam when they come together thereby moving the engine forward. The forward motion of the steam engine happens because there is an escape of the energy of steam in such a way that it propels the engine forward. In many ways, a lifetime union in marriage is finding the right balance to generate and let go off that steam to move the relationship forward. Many couples are, for many reasons unable to find that right combination. In this case, the steam is not let off and results in injurious consequences (domestic violence) to both parties (more to the disadvantage of women) with no forward motion.

Actually non-violence, or internal peace is a manifestation of an inner balance. The founder of Ahmadiyya Movement in Islam, Mirza Ghulam Ahmad (Promised Messiah and Mehdi) explains that for both males and females an inner balance of their masculinity and femininity is critical. In sufic terms the attribute of femininity is of receiving and that of masculinity is of giving. Hazrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmad explains that in one sense the attribute of femininity is to be perfected first in order for the attribute of masculinity to express forth in its true essence. This is irrespective of gender (male or female). Many religious scholars who suffer from excessive worldly masculinity in fact are unable to appreciate what he has stated and resort to making fun when it comes to a revelation vouchsafed to Hazrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmad, in which it is stated that he became Mariam first and then gave birth to Jesus. In other words he completed his femininity (Mariam) with respect to God, which then manifested itself in masculinity (Jesus). He goes on to explain that actually God, is the perfect Giver (whose perfection is not subject to this understanding) and therefore in order to receive from God, a Prophet must become feminine with respect to God. As this femininity with respect to God achieves a high level of perfection, the Prophet becomes masculine with respect to his followers, who in turn become feminine with respect to him. Further, man, who are designated as the head of household, must become feminine with respect to the Prophet or his successor and therefore then acquire an attribute of giving to their household.

Since the Qur’an declares complete spiritual equality between males and females, between a husband and a wife, whoever is more feminine with respect to his or her spiritual master will manifest a higher level of masculinity. In a marital relationship, men have to realize their femininity by submitting to God or His true representative (a higher spiritual force) to be able to exercise spiritual authority over the household including wife and children. In cases where this has not been realized, this imbalance manifests itself in a contradiction between being physically more capable, yet unable to exercise actual authority. This situation ultimately leads to abuse by males. Occasionally it also may happen by females but is not common because of physical strength and disposition. A mismatch between the femininity and masculinity of a male and female in a relationship does not allow the steam to let off and thus results in a dysfunctional relationship (engine) which stagnates and ultimately falls apart causing injury to all in its vicinity.

When males or men do not submit to God or a spiritual authority representing him in this world, they succumb to other influences, and are unable to realize true masculinity which consists of courage, fortitude, loyalty, restraint and commitment or becoming civilized.

This is a complex explanation of what one could simply say that men are more uncivilized today because a majority of them lack genuine and strong relationship with One True God, the source of all civil and moral behaviour. In this hierarchy of receiving and giving, one experiences true love, which flows from God to his appointed one (a prophet or his successor) onto those who follow him. As this love flows and nourishes us, it calms the inner soul with sense of balance and peace – a reflection of perfect balance between masculinity and femininity. Since in this case, human effort finally finds its true purpose, which is to worship, wonder and immerse its soul in absolute beauty and love of God, violence is banished. All relationships come under the divine shadow of this absolute love of God. As relationships find their true place in the purpose of existence, it leads to a truly civilized behaviour, which does not just extend to one’s family or inner circle, but to all humanity. The Promised Messiah stated that the most perfect union is between God, the Creator and the human, a creation. All other relationships are only a shadow of this.

The world is ultimately an expression of absolute Mercy and Love, attributes of God from which creation bursts forth as a spontaneous expression. All living beings are manifestation of these attributes. The Mercy and Love of God permeates all and reaches all human beings, even if they do not believe in Him. Similarly all religions were originally a manifestation of this Love and Mercy. It is therefore entirely possible that even those who do not believe in God, or who believe in other religions, who may not have a true and living relationship with One true God neither have a Spiritual master, may find some part of this inner balance and a level of peace in their relationships. We find this all around us. We also know how fragile it is.

Submission is essential to being civilized. We submit to state institutions, community structures and family but these are all temporary. True submission that makes us civilized is to God or His Appointed one and this is called Islam.

So here is my advice to all men who wish to be civilized. Find someone to submit to. Someone you can love unconditionally who can make you realize your femininity. Love without conditions is the essence of being civilized. This is much more critical for men as they are physically stronger and have higher potential to cause physical harm. If you are looking for one and have not yet found one, or want to get the best one around, I offer the current Successor to the Prophet and Promised Messiah of this Age, a servant of the Holy Prophet of Islam, Hazrat Mirza Masroor Ahmad, and the fifth head of the Ahmadiyya Movement in Islam. Submit to him without fear and you will find essence of love and civilization.